A cute Kayla story to share... we were headed out to dinner and earlier in the day Kayla got something all over her clothes and it was laundry day so she was dressed in multi-colored pants and a white shirt that was too big for her. We left quickly so I had forgotten socks and shoes. Dinner was good but we tried (yet again) to get Kayla to drink some milk by giving her some chocolate milk. We were giving her lots of praise every time she took a sip so she started smiling after each sip which made choc milk fall all over her over-sized white shirt. Earlier that day I had put her hair in a pony tail but had taken her hair out when I changed her clothes. When her hair has been in a pony tail or pig tails, it sticks straight out. At the end of dinner she started getting restless so I took her to the front of the restaurant to let her walk around. First off, she is still very much "toddling", so she looks a little drunk when she walks. For balance she always has a hand waving above her head. For whatever reason, the front of the place was exciting her, so she was letting out these excited noises that kind of sounded monster like. As I'm letting her walk around, I notice that the hostesses are kind of glaring at me. Then I realized I have this kid walking like a drunk person around the front of the restaurant with no shoes on, loud pants, a mis-sized shirt with choc milk all over it, hair sticking out everywhere, and squealing/grunting loudly ... but all I could do was laugh - our little wild child :)

When I first had Kayla, the question I got most frequently was "do you feel like a mom." It seemed like a weird question. Everything was so new and I felt overwhelmed and scared. I knew she was mine and that I loved her, but what did people really mean when the asked that question? I realized the other day that there are definitely moments when I feel like a mom... and I'm not talking about the ones I've joked about (like when she covered my hair in spit up during the middle of the night) - I'm talking about real ones where I am so overwhelmed with how much I love her and how much of a miracle she is. I think those moments are there every day but I'm not always looking for them because life with a toddler is pretty routine and hectic all at the same time. The other night I was rocking her to sleep for a nap as I do every day. She lays on my chest with her head nestled under my chin, her arms are folded between my chest and hers, and her feet are curled up close to her body. I looked down and saw her the bottom of her bare feet in my hand and I was washed over with love for this little being that was once inside my body. I remembered seeing that foot in ultrasounds, feeling it kick me, then seeing it for the first time and holding it in my hand. I remember a picture I have of her foot in my hand a few weeks after she was born and even though it is still a tiny foot, it already is sooo much bigger than it was then, and so much more like a child's foot (rather than a baby's foot). I thought of what an amazing gift she is in my life and that I get the honor seeing that foot grow into an adult's foot and I get to see all the steps she takes to get there. Maybe this isn't making sense, but on that day, with that little foot and the body curled on my chest, I DEFINITELY felt like a mom.

I'm just finished this absolutely FANTASTIC novel called My Sister's Keeper. In it there is a line, "I realized then, that we never have children, we receive them." That is what it feels like to be a Mom - you are handed this enormous gift and responsibility and the only real tool you have is love.